I really don't even like LiveJournal...

3:13 pm (March 12th, 2009)

2009-03-12T19:13:22Z

I used to be the girl at the top of the world;
and now the world is standing on me.
I used to be the girl at the top of the list;
and now I'm the first one to be left out.
I used to be the girl with the coolest outfits;
now I'm just struggling to get into them.
I used to the girl with the gorgeous eyes;
now I'm just trying to keep them from turning gray.
I used to be the girl that was too sensitive;
now I'm just the girl that's too cold.
I used to be the sister that you could always come to;
now I'm just who you steer clear of.
I used to be the daughter that you would brag about;
now I'm just keeping my head above muddy water.

I used to be the girl that made everyone happy;
now I'm just struggling to keep a smiled on my own face.

deliriousxdani @ 2009-02-23T23:11:00

2009-02-24T04:15:54Z

So I wrote this a few days ago, when I thought that all hope was lost. But it wasn't, hope definitely not lost. I sort of want it to be put somewhere though, as proof to the world that I wrote it. So I'm posting it, but just so you know, my stomach has been doing those stupid flippy things all day.

Once upon a time there was a girl who couldn't get her head on straight. She tried and tried but the bolts and screws just wouldn't fit.She couldn't figure out why every move she made hurt, nor could she figure out why there was a heffalump sitting on her chest and woozles dancing around her head. She wanted to know why things never went her way. The only answer she ever got was things continuing to not go her way. The girl tried as hard as she could to get rid of the monkey on her back, but she realized that the monkey ws all she had left. The girl hated quiet rooms. They told the truth too often and she just wanted her own piece of forever. She just wanted to be loved by the family that never existed. The family that she had to pull from her mind as she spoke of them. Her family kept her locked up, but she loved the fact that they didn't want to share her. She loved that her own Mother Nature died. The girl was suddenly cold all the time, drained by the slowing of her own heart. Her heart, however, was a completely different subject. Every once in a waning moon her heart would fall to the floor at the mention of it's lovers name. She can't have expected the day when that six letter name would have it falling down full flights of stairs. Her heart couldn't take flight again after that, it was missing too much of itself that it gave away to the six-letter-girl. She just wanted to be someones safe ride home, but it was obvious that no one liked her car. She was the hardest person to please, especially when it came to herself. She could be more, she could do more, but not one ever gave her the time of day. She was the optimist posing as a realist, who, deep down inside was really the most pessimistic person she had ever met. She couldn't help it. SHe was just sailing along the river as if she hadn't the slightest clue what a boat was. She couldn't help thta she was the only thing she ever had. And half of the time she didn't even like hearing herself. Her own brain hated her in a way that could never be understood by the outside world. They didn't like her either though, so it didn't really matter to the girl. She always had a crush on someone, they someho wliked her back but this girl wasn't capable of loving. Others thought she could, but the girl knew that it was just a well played mirage. She had birds in her ears and they pecked mercilessly at the thoughts that filled her head. She was a legend, but only in the room in which she was standing. She couldn't ever put up a fight so the girl just agreed to disagree. It was all she could do to keep the people that liked her close. The girl had a huge rip in her reputation, she didn't think that anything mattered when you had the right substance to fight off the emotion of it all. The only way the girl kept herself alive was by turning her feat into searing pain. To her it wasn't pain, it was an excape. She was often flooded by feelings of desertion of her own self worth. She didn't know what she was doing to herself, how badly she was tearing herself down. She didn't care either, she wanted the quick fix with the resulting guilt. That was her favorite feeling, guilt. She felt guilty for all the times that she said the three words that eventually lead to her downfall. There were many things that lead to her downfall, the first step being one of them. Her demise was a field day for the angels. They had been waiting for the daeth of the last demon to start the last good millenium. When the girl built her new home, she built it on the sand. She let everything she owned drown, along with her feeling of innocence. Her head often pounded with the sound of her fate. It was a harsh sound that brought to her harsh reality everything she got the time or energy to run away to her own small world where she could feel normal in her own twisted way. She just wanted to feel like she belonged somwhere, maybe even to someone, just wanting that feeling of semi-perminancy to settle over her bones like a thin dust. She just wanted someone to lover her like she thought she could do.

deliriousxdani @ 2009-02-19T10:14:00

2009-02-19T15:19:58Z

to the lost love
love is the one thing we cannot fully atain. as much as we may want to its really just never going to happen once you are taking from me there will be nothing left and i will simply drift through the rest of my life as an outsider doomed for eternity to walk the face of the earth alone. always alone.

to the deserted brother
one day when we're both older you might understand you might see the reasoning behind the fear at my disappearance you shouldn't grow up to be like me i am the predator that stalks the innocent soul of the cute little seven year old baby brother that does not want his sister to go. i love you

to the half-assertive father
if its plausible that you loved me to begin with then we might not be in this situation we might not have to face the ever blaring music whos lyrics sing my fate your fate it still hangs in the balance i'd do anything to get the shears that would cut the bindings separating them. if only if only

to the wannabe-evil stepmother
it's not that i don't feel, though most of the time i don't give a shit enough to look at the whole situation i care possibly more than you can imagine but someone who doesn't 'fee' oviously has no idea how to show that i don't' feel you've told me that a long time ago and i'v never let it go. a bitch like me can hold a grudge.

to the doubter
i don't know what you want me to say i've never been in thei situation before it's not like i knew this was coming fuck the strand that holds this shit together i hope the string rots and you're left to crawl out of the pit of misery that you've dug yourself just like you've let me do but can you accomplish it? you're weak and i'm ill

to the doubted
don't look in the mirror every morning and see someone that can't do it. look in the mirror and see someone who held me up through the thick shit that wanted to tear me down you are the person i wanted to be and the person i want him to want to be like not like me the one person that can kill a conscience. humble has its flaws.

to the romantic
if you had a color it would be green envious of the fact that she would rather be anywhere else than with you she doesn't mean it she's only waiting for the right moment to tell you that she just wants to be with you the only person she could ever love the only person she was meant for. the black widows second face.

to the dreamer
you labors are not fruitless, you have a purpose and you are doing all you can to make your dreams come true keep going you can achieve whatever you set your repaired little heart to. just keep trudging on and soon you'll realize that the whole world is not bad. and that love will love you. i already do.

to the hero
we set you on a pedestal and hope that you will make us fee like we are on our own pedestal it's not as high as yours nor will it ever be but we can only hope that you can take the challenge and lead hearts to victory. we'll give you all the credit and worship the ground you walk. i hope you can step up to the plate. swing batter swing

to the loveless
make up your fucking mind you hurt people every time your heart speaks out lock the damn thing up it's getting annoying it's bipolar and mean you don't mean it but it hurts me lock that shit up so that maybe there will be some stability in the humble little think you call a life for once. remove your heart from your sleeve.

to the crushed
if you would look and think both at the same time you would realize that i've been here the whole time the whole fucking time i love you i always have i always will you never realized that ive always loved you and you just don't get it and it depresses me more and more everyday. i love you so much i could tear you to pieces

to the actor
hypothetical situation i love you what do you say you love me too lie and you're good at it it's amazing how well you can cover your own ass but i can cover mine just as well and maybe even a little better you're script is showing us enough to know that you're a fake. did you know that? lying is the new black.

to the parade leader
you blaze your colors for everyone to see for everyone to hate you for to me you are The Hero The Dream and The Dreamer you make me feel like i have a purpose a dream to follow a person that is just like me broken and bleeding their soul on their collar. i just wanted you to know that. you gave me hope.

deliriousxdani @ 2009-02-02T19:39:00

2009-02-03T00:41:04Z

Today is dedicated to my mother. This is the fifth anniversary of her passing February 2nd, 2004. So lets all be happy and merry and have some cheesecake.

RIP
KimBerely Lee Matchen